Home Improvement - Undead Edition edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner

Home Improvement - Undead Edition, was one of those anthologies I mentioned in the review of Westward Weird.

Like all anthologies Home Improvement - Undead Edition has the usual collection of stories that sometimes hit the mark and other times fall well wide of it, depending on personal taste. Charlaine Harris has leant her name to a number of these recently, trading on the success of her Sookie Stackhouse series (filmed by HBO as True Blood), and the theme this time is home renovation. Although it sounds like it may be hard to get a good collection out of that premise they succeed by and large and seem to find it easier than some of the other premises that may initially sound to have more scope to work with. I'll cover the contents story by story.

The opener: If I Had a Hammer by Charlaine Harris, is centred around her Sookie Stackhouse character. I haven't read the books, but I have seen the show, so I'm familiar enough with the characters. I found the story about a possessed house a little disappointing and very run of the mill. I may have reacted better to it if I were a fan of the Sookie Stackhouse stories.

Victor Gischler, who wrote Wizard Home Security, was not an author I know, but I believe he's done some work on the X-Men comics. The story set in a fantasy world where even wizards need magical type security on their dwellings was different for this sort of collection, it had a couple of appealing characters and a nice twist at the end. He has plans to develop the concept into a book and I'll be keeping an eye out for it.

Patricia Briggs is one of the more successful urban fantasy authors in the field today. Gray was my first encounter with her work, it read rather like Cherie Priest's recent Cheshire Red duology, although I thought Priest did a better job. Not something that would encourage me to read more Patricia Briggs.

I've seen a few less than enthusiastic responses to Rochelle Krich's Squatters Rights, I won't be one of them. I loved this. For mine it was the best story in the book. A standalone fable about a possessed house that turns the occupants on each other, encouraging one to kill the other. It had echoes of American Horror Story, and it was very well done. A suitably chilling end was very clever.

Having written over 150 books it's hard not to have heard of Heather Graham (it's not the same person as the actress), and while I'd heard the name I hadn't ever read her before. I really didn't like Blood on the Wall, it was fine when it was about a nerdy kid who discovered that claiming he could summon demons and gain a cult following was good for turning the tables on the bullies and getting girls to sleep with him, but once they introduced the alpha male vampire detective character the whole thing turned into a pretty predictable paranormal romance. I was barracking for the bad guys in this one.

The Mansion of Imperatives by James Grady was also fairly predictable. There's only so many evil houses one can buy.

Melissa Marr used a little heard of branch of the fae for The Strength Inside and I have to say I liked it and it's tale of dealing with councils and militant home owners organisations. Nicely twisted ending, too.

Woolsley's Kitchen Nightmare by E.E Knight seemed set within the author's Vampire Earth concept. It was a fast moving tale that seamlessly inserted the reader into the concept and was very tongue in cheek for most of it. I'd love to meet one of the six armed bartenders.

For me of course the highlight was Through This House by you guessed it: Seanan McGuire. This was set in Seanan's Toby Daye series. It featured 3 of my favourites from the series; Toby's Fetch May, bridge troll and cab driver Danny and young Tuatha de Danaan noble Quentin. It also filled in a small blank between books. It was fun without being special. It's always nice to visit with Toby and friends.

The Path by S.J Rozan moved a little slow for mine, it was different in that it examined an Asian setting, but other than that struggled to hold my attention.

Stacia Kane's Rick the Brave seemed to set within one of her series concepts and did not grab me at all. There's a depressing sameness about many urban fantasy and paranormal romance concepts and this one fell into that.

I've been meaning to look at Suzanne McLeod's Spellcrackers.com series and Full-Scale Demolition was set in that world, and is set before the series opener had enough to do in it to keep me entertained and has prompted me to give Spellcrackers.com a try.

I've read a bit of Simon R. Green before and It's All in the Rendering which was a standalone was delightful. In some ways it was a little like John De Chancie's Castle series. I don't think he's adapted it into a series, which is a shame, because I'd definitely read more about these characters and setting. You have to love a house set in two worlds, where Grendel and the Leanan Sidhe are house guests.

The other editor Toni L.P Kelner finished the collection off with In Brightest Day. It was a voodoo based tale, I don't know what it is about voodoo, but it just doesn't excite me. I had the same problem with Laura Resnick's Unsympathetic Magic.

Flashman at the Charge - Chapter 9

The occupants of the cell Flashman was thrown into at the end of chapter 8 of Flashman at the Charge, play a much larger role in chapter 9.

Central asia, and the area Flashman is in seems to be either Tajikistan or Uzbekistan, in the middle part of the 19th century was still a wild place and the two men in Flashman's cell were important figures in that wild region. The one chained to the ceiling was Yakub Beg, is a highly born, well regarded military commander in the Syr Daria area, he and the other cell mate get an appendix at the end of Flashman at the Charge all to themselves. The other man is Izzar Kutebar; a bandit leader and guerilla fighter, and although the two men have their differences, they are allies at present and close friends, as evidenced by their banter, which Flashman knows is a sign of respect and friendship amongst the Ghazis.

Once they know Flashman isn't a Russki as they call the Russians, they welcome him as an ally. Beg keeps talking about a rescue and someone he refers to as the Silk One, Flashman thinks he's raving, but surely enough when night falls the camp is attacked and Flashman and Kutebar are forced to fight for their lives in the dungeon. Flashman remarks that he's a veteran of dungeon fights, referencing things that take place in Flashman and Royal Flash.

The three men are ultimately liberated by forces led by someone who appears to Flashman to be a slightly built turbaned boy. The boy is called the Silk One and appears to be some sort of lover to Beg. Flashman knows that same sex relationships are no uncommon amongst men in the area and while he personally doesn't go in for that sort of thing he allows each to their own. The shock comes when the Silk One tries to thank Harry for his part in keeping Beg safe and he attempts to reject the advances thinking it is a boy, then realises once the body is pressed against him that this is very much a woman!

The Lies of Locke Lamora - read along Part 3

We're into week 3 of the read along. This week the questions come courtesy of Bryce at My Awful Reviews. I may be a little early with this, you know Australia being in Saturday while everyone else is still having Friday, but here goes:


1. This section is where we finally get to sneak a peek at the magic in The Gentleman Bastards books. From what we read, what are your initial impressions of the magic Lynch is using? Is there any way that Locke and Company would be able to get around the Bondsmage's powers?

Lynch doesn't really use a lot of magic, which is cool, neither does George RR Martin, and prior to reading Lies Martin's ASoIaF was one of the best fantasies I'd ever read, but the Bondsmages are a cool idea. One of the things I loved was that the Falconer is so all powerful and untouchable, I know they'll have to find a way around his power, because hey there's a lot of book still to go, but I can't for the life of me see how, which really rachets the tension up to 11.

2. Not a question, but an area for rampant speculation: If you want to take a stab at who you think the Grey King might be, feel free to do it here.

I'm a rereader, not a first timer, so it's kind of hard for me to have a go at this, because I know who it is, and it's hard to forget details like that.

2.5 (since 2 wasn't really a question) Anyone see the Nazca thing coming? Anyone? Do you think there are more crazy turns like this in store for the book? Would you like to speculate about them here? (yes, yes you would)

Again, being a rereader this is hard, although I can say that I never saw the Nazca thing coming and it was one of those shocks in the book that hit me like a punch in the guts. I already hated the Grey King and the Falconer, this just made me hate them even more. I liked Nazca, dammit! She did not deserve to die that way! There are plenty more shocks coming, trust me.

3. When Locke says "Nice bird, arsehole," I lose it. EVERY TIME. And not just because I have the UK version of the book and the word arsehole is funnier than asshole. Have there been any other places in the books so far where you found yourself laughing out loud, or giggling like a crazy person on the subway?

Oh absolutely! I love Locke's sarcastic, snotty turn of phrase. There's a lot of dialogue which is snappy and funny. No matter how many times I read the Liar/Bastard shtick I can't help, but laugh, and then there's some of Locke and Co's more audacious schemes that make me laugh, like I said last week the thing with the corpse was hysterically funny and it makes me howl with laughter every time I read it.

4. By the end of this reading section, have your opinions changed about how clever the Bastards are? Do you still feel like they're "cleverer than all the rest?" Or have they been decidedly outplayed by the Grey King and his Bondsmage?

I still think they're pretty , bloody clever, but they got too cocky. They never thought anyone could see through them, they stopped taking precautions, they never figured on a Karthain Bondsmage and they were absolutely out played.

5. I imagine that you've probably read ahead, since this was a huge cliffhanger of an ending for the "present" storyline, but I'll ask this anyway: Where do you see the story going from here, now that the Grey King is thought to be dead?

Sometimes reading ahead or rereading in a thing like this makes it difficult. Because I know how it all turns out any speculation on my part would probably spoil the book for others and I'm not about to do that.

6. What do you think of the characters Scott Lynch has given us so far? Are they believable? Real? Fleshed out? If not, what are they lacking?

One of the things that has to grab me about a book is the characters. I have to care about them, so I have to be invested in them. A large part of the reason I gave up on Erikson's Malazan Books of the Fallen was that I just didn't care what happened to the characters, it wasn't that I didn't like or dislike them, it was just that I simply didn't care. I adored Locke and Jean, Calo, Galdo and Bug. Even characters in the past like Chains or the occasionally mentioned Sabetha. I hated the Bondsmage and the Grey King. I love peripheral characters like Dona Sofia and Conte. Even the city of Camorr itself which I have said before is like this bonus character in Lies, I could see those streets, I could smell the water, I could feel the heavy air. I'm in Camorr every time I read Lies.

7. Now that you've seen how clever Chains is about his "apprenticeships," why do you think he's doing all of this? Does he have an endgame in sight? Is there a goal he wants them to achieve, or is it something more emotional like revenge?

There is an element of revenge about what Chains does with his apprentices, especially Locke, but there's also a lot of 'this is what I do, so I'll teach you to do it, too' there. The Gentleman Bastards are a little like Chains' legacy to the world. Although he didn't know it at first, although I think he had thoughts after the Thiefmaker first told him of Locke's exploits, Locke became like a son to him.

Flashman at the Charge - Chapter 8

Once again Flashman is a Russian prisoner, only this second time around is not likely to as pleasant as his first stint.

For starters his jailer is the frightening and intense Ignatieff. The Russian mastermind isn’t entirely happy that East got away, especially as Flashman lets it be known that they were both aware of the plan to invade northern India via central Asia. On the other hand Flashman, not East, was the man he wanted. He then arranges a little demonstration for Flashman’s benefit.

A terrified soldier up on charges of insubordination is brought into the yard, the man is tied down to a low table and then Ignatieff produces a long whip, it’s quite thick and heavy at one end and thin and sharp at the other. This is the famed and feared Russian knout. It’s use, Ignatieff informs his prisoner, is illegal. However rules don’t apply to people like Ignatieff. There are two types of strokes with the knout, both of which Ignatieff has his flogger show Harry. The drawing stroke makes use of the whip’s tapered end and it cuts the skin, drawing blood, hence the name, there is debate about how many drawing strokes it takes to kill a fit and healthy man. The other stroke; the flat stroke, uses the weight of the knout to snap the spine, properly delivered it kills with one blow. After having killed a man to make a point, Ignatieff tells Flashman that if he doesn’t do as he is told then he will use him to settle the debate about how many drawing strokes it takes to kill a fit and healthy male.

For reasons of plot development Ignatieff turns into a Bond villain, giving Harry full details of his plan to invade northern India and congratulating himself on his own cleverness. Fraser does make a point of having Flashman observe how Ignatieff is too arrogant and confident by far and puts it down to his youth at the time (he was in his early 20’s). What makes Flashman valuable to the Russian nobleman is his reputation in central Asia, he’s done his research well and knows about Flashman’s Afghan exploits (Flashman) even down to his nick name of Bloody Lance. He’s not entirely sure of Flashman, though. On the one hand the reports from the front and his charge of the Russian battery fit with Flashman’s hero reputation, but what Ignatieff has seen of Harry’s behaviour first hand don’t fit with it and he’s highly dubious of the reputation Harry has a fire eating soldier. He wants to use the Englishman to help get the tribes of central Asia onside, because he’s held in high regard by many of them.

Although he’s still terrified of the knout and Ignatieff himself, Flashman’s spirits pick up a little when he hears where he’s going. Afghanistan and the surrounding territories may be hellish places, but to Harry Flashman they’re home country. He knows the languages, the customs and the people. If he can get away he’ll blend in with them and the Russians will never find him. Ignatieff doesn’t say anything, but he puts a tight guard on Harry during their journey, because he may also know exactly what the wily Englishman is thinking. Harry’s awfully good at running away.

Harry is surprised at the activity and size of the Russian camp in central Asia, but doesn’t have long to admire it all before he’s thrown into a cell with a couple of locals. He doesn’t recognise either man, but one of them must have upset the Russians because he’s been suspended from the ceiling of the cell by chains secured at his wrists and ankles and has to be supported by his cell mate so that he doesn’t dislocate his limbs.

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

The Wind in the Willows has been a much loved children’s classic almost since author Kenneth Grahame first released it in 1908. The idea that animals dress, live and act like people in animal form wasn’t new even back then, in that respect Grahame could be considered a contemporary of Beatrix Potter, although Potter seemed to write for a younger audience than Grahame. The Wind in the Willows began life as stories that the former secretary of the Bank of England told to his young son Alastair, in fact Mr Toad is in part based on the boy’s headstrong nature.

It’s not really a single narrative, but rather a series of stories or adventures had by the principal characters of Mole, Ratty (actually a water rat or vole), Toad and Badger. Otter also occasionally pops in for a say and the search for his missing son; Portly, by Mole and Ratty is actually the basis of one of the most fantastical chapters; The Piper at the Gates of Dawn, where the mole and the water rat find the missing young otter in care of Pan.

The bulk of the story centres on Mr Toad. The wealthy, but irresponsible and vain amphibian becomes obsessed with motor cars, which back in 1908 were still in their infancy as a mode of transport, eventually steals a car, is caught and sentenced to 20 years in gaol. He escapes disguised as a washerwoman, leads the police on a merry dance, is eventually acquitted and has to take his mansion; Toad Hall, back from a band of weasels and stoats that have appropriated it.

The major characters all serve a purpose, the wide eyed and naïve Mole kicks the whole thing off by abandoning spring cleaning his hole and meeting Ratty on his beloved river. Ratty is a dependable good natured loyal friend to both the deserving Mole and the far less deserving Toad. Toad embodies many of society’s worst qualities, but is somehow appealing all the same. He seems to be the most popular, or possibly the most memorable character in the book, whether that’s because he really is or because the best known retelling of the story; Disney’s The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr Toad, centres mainly on the second half of the book covering Toad’s escapade, is debatable. Badger is another stout and loyal, if somewhat gruff, companion.

I’m sure the author meant it as a series of stories featuring anthropomorphic animals to entertain his son, but because of the time it was written and with Grahame’s eye for detail and characterisation, as well as the social circles he moved in, it’s also a gentle dig at the middle and upper class Edwardian society of the time, especially Toad, cast as one of the increasingly irrelevant aristocracy of the age.

It’s a gentle whimsical series of tales and well worth the time taken to read it, it’s one of those books that can be read as a child and appreciated for different reasons as an adult.

Kenneth Grahame was not alone in writing entertaining stories of the goings on of animal folk. There’s the aforementioned Beatrix Potter. Later on Richard Adams Watership Down came along and A.R Lloyd’s underrated Kine. Garry Kilworth’s House of Tribes, featuring mice is also well worth reading in this vein. William Horwood’s Duncton Moles series is along those lines and in fact Horwood also wrote 4 sequels to The Wind in the Willows (The Willows in Winter, Toad Triumphant, The Willows and Beyond and The Willows at Christmas).

Flashman at the Charge - Chapter 7

In the opening of the 7th chapter of Flashman at the Charge Pencherjevsky’s house is besieged by peasants enraged at the callous murder of their priests. Throughout his travels through Russia and during his sojourn at Pencherjevsky's, Flashman had viewed the serfs as little better than beasts of burden. He had occasionally wondered if they had a breaking point, apparently they did and the senseless murder of the priest was it. It seemed that the local landlord could do anything he wished to them, but hurt or kill their priest and you crossed a line. This revolt must have seemed pretty major to Harry because he compared it to some of the other major uprisings he’d seen throughout his long career, including Kabul (Flashman) and Peking (a packet that never unfortunately surfaced). Pencherjevsky urges Flashman and East to take Valla and a sled and make for safety, he strongly hints that Valla is pregnant with Flashman’s child. Initially East doesn’t want to leave, but Flashman reminds him of his ‘duty’ to escape and he’s all for it, especially when he realises that they’ll be doing so with Valla.

The Russian sled is one of the more interesting things that Harry has made his escape on, and it would film brilliantly, being both exciting and funny at the same time. Harry and East are initially chased by wolves. Valla is largely unconscious for this. East drives and Harry occupies himself by throwing things at the wolves. Mostly rugs, but they don’t slow the starving beasts down unless he can score a direct hit, they also ignore the food, generally bread, that Harry hurls at them in the vain hope they’ll give up the chase. They do manage to outpace the wolves long enough to reach a small settlement, where they rest, refuel and take on fresh horses.

Harry manages to content himself with Valla, she seems to have quite taken to his lovemaking and is happy to let Flashman take his pleasure with her. East is too interested in driving to chance a look behind the sled’s cover and it appears that Harry and Valla are relatively quiet about their business. What the two Englishmen are making for is a narrow causeway called the Arrow of Arabat. It’s a great name, very evocative and it just screams 'boys own adventure' of the 19th and early 20th centuries. It’s actually a real geographical phenomenon and it will carry Harry and East to a British held area where they can report to their British command about Ignatieff’s plan for Central Asia and Northern India (the area we now know as Pakistan).

They look home free and in the Flashman books that’s always a dangerous thing. Harry’s lost count of how many times he can see the finishing post, only to miss sight of the dirty big pothole right under his feet. This time the pothole is in the form of a group of mounted Russian soldiers. Because the cavalry aren’t towing a sled they can move faster than the escaping soldiers and may be able to take them, the sled needs to be lightened. East drives like a madman and Flashman starts throwing everything out, including the canopy, which exposes them to the elements, but cuts down on drag, when the Russians still keep gaining on them Flashman does something that while it was a shock to me the first time I read it, I really should have expected. He hurls Valla out of the sled! Personal survival at all costs. East is horrified, partially because it’s such a callous act, which could have killed the girl and partially because he’s still got a crush on her. Flashman convinces him to keep on going and plays it so that it looks like he’s a stone hearted so and so who will do anything for Queen and Country when it counts.

Unfortunately the sled comes to grief on the ice and Flashman is pinned under it. East has two options here. He can leave Flashman and leg it, probably making it to the British outpost with his vital information, or he can stay and help Harry, but they’ll probably both be caught. He takes the first option, telling Harry that he can’t let his sacrifice and his actions in possibly killing Valla go to naught. When the boot’s on the other foot Harry isn’t quite so brave or forgiving, he calls East every name he can think of, and believes even 50 years later with Harry ‘Scud’ East long dead, that the action was taken largely out of spite for Valla, not due to his duty.

The Lies of Locke Lamora - read along Part 2

This is the second part of the Lies of Locke Lamora read along. This week the questions have been provided by Dark Cargo. I think I may actually be on time this week!

1) Do you think Locke can pull off his scheme of playing a Midnighter who is working with Don Salvara to capture the Thorn of Camorr? I mean, he is now playing two roles in this game - and thank goodness for that costume room the Gentlemen Bastards have!

We’re talking about Locke Lamora here. THE Locke Lamora! His entire life that readers have seen so far is one big elaborate lie. He can pull off dual roles with his eyes shut.

2) Are you digging the detail the author has put into the alcoholic drinks in this story?


I’d never really thought about this before, but yes I love the sound of some of the Camorri cocktails and wonder if Scott Lynch lists bartending somewhere on his CV.

3) Who is this mysterious lady Gentlemen Bastard Sabetha and what does she mean to Locke?

You get the impression that Sabetha and Locke were once an item and would like to hear more about her. I found a comment about wanting her back a little less crazy, which was said by one of the Sanza’s at dinner one night during an interlude to be rather telling and highly amusing.

4) Are you as creeped out over the use of Wraithstone to create Gentled animals as I am?

Oh, yes the Gentling is really creepy, not just that, but the effect Wraithstone has on humans, too, turning them into mindless addicts.

5) I got a kick out of child Locke's first meeting with Capa Barsavi and his daughter Nazca, which was shortly followed up in the story by Barsavi granting adult Locke permission to court his daughter! Where do you think that will lead? Can you see these two together?

Nazca comes across as not dissimilar to Sabetha in personality, a good friend, but a dangerous enemy. I could never see her and Locke together, they’re friends, but that’s all, she was as horrified by her father’s idea as Locke was.

6) Capa Barsavi is freaked out over rumors of The Gray King and, in fact, us readers are privy to a gruesome torture scene. The Gray King is knocking garristas off left and right. What do you think that means? Barsavi is scared and paranoid.

The Gray King has an agenda, he’s killing garristas and the biggest garrista of the lot is Barsavi himself. The Gray King whoever he is, is announcing his presence and killing off Barsavi’s people to draw the big fish out.

7) In the Interlude: The Boy Who Cried for a Corpse, we learn that Father Chains owes an alchemist a favor, and that favor is a fresh corpse. He sets the boys to figuring out how to provide one, and they can't 'create' the corpse themselves. How did you like Locke's solution to this conundrum?

I loved that we got to see some of Locke’s boyhood escapades. If you were going to make a sitcom out of The Lies of Locke Lamora, this would be an excellent episode. I did wonder how Locke was going to get a corpse, I knew he could do it, he’d already proven that with some of the things he’d done even before the Thiefmaker sold him to Chains, but then when Chains put certain conditions in place Locke had to get creative. The funniest thing of the lot was not only did they get the corpse, thus fulfilling Chains’ brief they ended up making a profit out of it and Chains had all these people giving him extra offerings for what happened in the marketplace. I was in tears of laughter!